Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in
his
Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says
'What are you supposed to be?' The
man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the
doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass
of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated
this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling
film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no,
the steaks are too high.'
------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".
------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's...
um... well...
I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says
the doctor,
"How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of
his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
